So right after I wrote that post about writing not being my first career and wanting to do music instead, I got to thinking about it. And Jei and I talked about it for about an hour before I decided that, yes, I’d made the right decision. Considering that I’d gone through a three year debacle with fiction writing and hanging onto it long past the point when I was injured, I figured that it was best that I7 made this kind of decision quickly. I was even proud of myself for taking it so maturely.
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Hard to believe, but my first choice was music. Something, anything in music, didn’t really matter. Music was – is – my life. It gets me up in the morning, fills in the background of my day, blasts me back into the fun zone in the middle of the day, and winds me down at night. I play it when I run, when I dance, when I’m happy, sad, angry, depressed, or frustrated. So, it’s no real big surprise that I want to do that thing.

Thing is, I hate practicing. Loathe. Despise it. Hate, hate, hate it.

So I forced myself to sit back and examine it.

Why do I hate it?

It’s boring. Proper practice of music involves studying the passage, slowing it down, reworking it over and over again until the fingering is precisely correct and it can be played at speed.

It involves learning scales, harmonic, chords, the ability to take musical notes out of thin air and play them with perfect speed and accuracy.

It’s obnoxious.

If I dislike it so much, then why am I insisting that this is the thing?

Fear.

I’m afraid that if I let go of this thing, there won’t be anything else. Because there is nothing else right now. I focused all of my attention into music and how great it would be when I succeeded. I wanted to believe that I was just lazy, that I was procrastinating. I wanted to think that as soon as I got started it would all be okay.

It isn’t. I was so busy being afraid that I didn’t notice the voices screaming at me, or the little hiccups that would have told me this was a bad idea.

It’s not that I’m giving up music. You can’t really give something like that up. But I do realize that it’s not a good place to focus my energy when trying to pick a job. Because practice is gonna come up. As a matter of fact, practice is 99% of the time. If I don’t like doing it, then whatever joy I get out of performing is going to be negligible. It seems a lot the same as staying in an abusive relationship. Staying through the bad times just because there’s a spot of sunshine in the middle isn’t really the way you want to live life. I want the sunlight to shine throughout.

Ouch. Okay, so, if I don’t want to do this, what do I want to do?

I’m not sure. But, not being sure isn’t a good reason to keep doing what I know is wrong.

Okay. Then what can I do to keep this from happening again?

I can keep in touch with myself. I can acknowledge when something isn’t working. I can remind myself that it’s okay to be wrong, that it’s okay to change my mind, that it’s okay to have things in my life that I enjoy that aren’t a job, that don’t pay me anything except joy.

And that’ll be good enough?

Yep. For now.

Why am I doing this then?

Jei. He wanted me to say personally all the things I’ve been saying to him for years, so even thought I don’t know if I have the best voice for this, or the best writing, or the right sort of way of talking people, and I have fits of panic about not being good enough to do this, I do it because he asked me to, and I have this thing about hating to let family down.

It’s not my dream necessarily. But I do like writing. And I think that’s where it starts: you find something you like, and you do it, exploring and discovering as you go. And eventually, someday, it leads you to a road that most people call a “job”.

Maybe.

(This piece is a bit personal, in that it’s a conversation I got to have with myself and my stuff. I find that it’s easier for me to talk from a perspective of what I’ve been through and what I see in the Landscape when I look. THAT said, I would like gentleness in the comments, please. I would love to hear about any struggles you’ve had and how you got through it. Or if you have practice methods that you think are cool. Or just to tell me I’m cool.

What I do not want is criticism, advice, or ways you think I could be doing this better. This is my stuff, and I am where I am. I’m always working on it, always striving, but at my pace. Thank you in advance for understanding.)

Over the past couple of days I realized that I was holding back the things I wanted to do because I was worried about what They™ would think. But sitting at home thinking about this I wondered what the hell convinced me this was a good idea.

At what point do I get to stop worrying about the world’s view of my life and, y’know, be happy?

Answer: Never.

WRONG!

It’s my damn life. They™ don’t have to look at me in the mirror at the end of the day and answer for what I did. That’s my job. And at this point, I hate it.

Then I realized I’m not the only one doing this.

So, wait…If we’re worrying about what someone else is going to think/do about us living our lives then where the hell are the bright lights, porcelain ponies, and carnival music? (Yeah, that was a carousel reference.)

Oh yeah, it’s time to stop the ride. The people that never got on it are happily moving about the rest of this theme park and our horses-on-sticks aren’t gonna catch up any time soon.

I know why I do this. I don’t want to upset people. Don’t want to cause trouble or start problems. But I doubt this is what starts the trouble. Doing what makes you happy can’t really be the cause of all the pain and suffering in someone else’s life. Can it?

Nah. That’s just their drama. Or them just worrying about what makes them happy.

It’s not that They™ are bad people. They’re just trying to be happy too. If you need something, you’ll speak up. Can’t really expect everyone to be psychic.

And there is the issue. I’m are trying to predict what other people need and what upsets them. That’s their job. If my stuff interferes with theirs then everyone involved is supposed to speak up.

Speak — not yell, insult, or threaten.

See, I can’t know what everyone wants, needs, or likes. Expecting myself to do so just hangs me in this place of nothingness. Then I miss on all the points when what people need is me. Not an assumption or a yes man.

The tricky part comes in the inverse. I start expecting others to be the ones to give me the things I want and need, without asking.

This doesn’t work out so well.

So, I’m gonna say what I like, admit what I want, and tell you what I need. If you can’t give it without pushing on your own stuff, say so. But no more trying to read the minds of the endless millions around us. M’kay.

* They™, Them™: That effemeral presence of overseeing body that says wise things and gives well meaning advice on how you are supposed to go about your days.

You know what they say…

“It’s your money. Use it when you need it.”

This is a commercial I hear several times a week about getting a settlement on structured payments. But we’re gonna change it a bit.

It’s your life. Live it how you want.

It’s that simple…and hard.

After several years of going through life trying to make heads and tails of everything, I realized I was really just going through the motions. There were things I did and didn’t do because it’s just what I was supposed to do as a husband/friend/provider/human. Looking back, very few of them are things I actually liked, wanted, or even cared about.

After many weeks, and false starts, I realized I was going at it all wrong. I was still trying to be what I thought was right, what I should be.

And there it is. The single worst word in human existence: Should.

There is so much weight, and expectation, and guilt that comes with that word. Let’s try something simple:

I should eat lunch.

I want to eat lunch.

I’m sure we’ve all done it. And it seems innocuous enough. There’s no real difference there. But let’s try it again:

I should go on a diet.

I want to lose weight.

Same thought. But it weighs completely different in our minds. I can promise you which one is going to elicit better results. Likewise, the more ‘serious’ the subject becomes, the more heinous the soul-sucking becomes.

The most direct way to deal with this is to cut that word out of your vocabulary, entirely. (I have a whole list of words that have achieved this status in life. Maybe we’ll deal with a few others as we go.) Any time you find yourself saying should, stop. There is always something else that can replace that word. And it’s not always the same thing.

Sometimes it’s want and you’re just being lazy with your words. Most of the time, it turns out to be things you feel you have to, or maybe there is an outside demand. This comes up in a lot of jobs and relationships. I imagine everyone has some part of their day they don’t jump for joy over. But it’s good to realize where those points are because those are the things you start to resent. And since you resent that should the rest of the shoulds start getting that resentment too.

See the cycle that starts there? That is why it is an evil word. It’s too broad, too non-specific. And it causes hell for it.

You really can banish that word for good. At the very least it makes us take responsibility for our actions. In the long run it forces us to be honest about the things we are doing.

There are plenty of other words just waiting to take their rightful place. They’ll thank you for it.